Estimated studying time: 10 minutes
Hey Doc,
So I met this man on Bumble. We go for dinner, we hit it off, he’s tremendous enticing, he’s a tall, wealthy, charming man and appeared very candy. He travels quite a bit for work, and since he didn’t need to wait an entire month to see me once more, he invitations me to return with him to Miami, Sao Paulo and Seoul. I informed him there’s no freakin approach I’m going touring with a stranger and that I have to take it gradual, get to know him higher earlier than he sweeps me off to an journey around the globe. He mentioned okay, and the following day he comes by to drop a small current and asks once more to return with him. I mentioned no however he made me really feel particular, it was good to get all of this consideration. He left for his travels, and we saved speaking.
Day by day that we discuss, he retains insisting that I be a part of him and saying how he needs I used to be there with him. I maintain telling him no again and again. Till someday he pushes yet another time and I snap, I inform him that if he brings it up once more, I’ll cease speaking to him. He informed me I’m overreacting, and that I’m in all probability very protecting and closed due to my previous relationships, however that he’s not like that.
I informed him that he’s not respecting my boundaries and simply retains pushing them and that doesn’t make me really feel heard or protected. His response is that he was solely being this intense as a result of he hasn’t felt like this a few woman for years and that he can’t wait to see me once more. I mentioned I perceive, however he doesn’t appear to care about how I really feel or about my security, and he once more simply retains saying that “he’s not like different guys” and “he’s not even inviting me for intercourse or no matter”. Then he says I’m being too delicate and explosive and that his intentions have been good, and that I’m simply lashing out on him due to my previous experiences.
I informed him I wished to be with any individual who listens to me, who takes accountability and doesn’t attempt to flip the battle round on me and make me be the loopy one for setting boundaries. He saved saying that this was solely due to my trauma and it was not relevant to him and that I’m ruining one thing that might’ve been nice.
I received mad that he appear to suppose that none of this is applicable to him so I mentioned “You desirous to take issues too quick is a crimson flag. You pushing and insisting and never caring about what I would like is a crimson flag. Turning the battle round on me is a crimson flag” and he responded by saying this was simply “my standpoint” and explaining level by level why I used to be incorrect and that he solely tried to “flip it round on me” as soon as.
He mentioned it was too unhealthy that I wouldn’t give him an opportunity when he likes me a lot and might’t cease desirous about me, however this entire battle was like PTSD from once I was married to a narcissist.
So my query is, am I overreacting due to previous trauma or is my Spidey-sense spot on?
-PTSD
Oh hey, that is a straightforward one. You made the suitable name right here as a result of HOLY HOPPING SHEEP SHIT YES THOSE ARE RED FLAGS, PTSD, WHAT THE FUCK, ACTUAL? These aren’t simply crimson flags, that’s extra crimson flags than a navy parade in Beijing. These are extra crimson flags than the Working of the Bulls in Pamplona. That’s… okay, I feel you get my level.
However I’m going to interrupt this down a bit, each for you and different individuals who could also be studying this as a result of right here’s the factor: the crimson flag that people actually want to concentrate could not essentially the one they suppose.
Before everything, I’m gonna be trustworthy: once I see somebody speaking about having met a dude on a courting app who’s waving their jet-setting life-style like a cape in entrance of a bull, full with enterprise journeys to all these varied unique locales, my first intuition is to ask in the event that they’ve ever seen The Tinder Swindler.
In case you haven’t seen it, PTSD, I’d recommend giving it a watch. Shimon Hayut would current himself on Tinder as Simon Leviev, son of Israeli diamond magnate Lev Leviev, and would whisk his matches off on personal jets to glamorous journeys around the globe. Over time, nevertheless, he’d begin to hit them up for his or her help in varied monetary schemes, finally soaking them for 1000’s to tens of 1000’s of {dollars}. The cash served to finance his jet-setting life-style and allowed him to sucker in his subsequent mark, every of whom thought she was having a fairy story romance, solely to understand that her prince was actually Rumpelstiltskin as an alternative.
Do I feel your beau’s attempting to con you out of cash? That I can’t say. However there’s a lot happening right here that’s rightfully setting off your Spidey-sense. Before everything is…
Okay, look I’m going to preface this by saying that that is going to sound insulting and I don’t imply it to be. However I must ask: why you? I’ve little question that you simply’re actually fucking wonderful and deserve a sizzling dude who desires nothing greater than to dote on you and spoil you rotten. However one does should surprise why somebody that tall, good-looking and wealthy isn’t just on Bumble, however having so laborious at time at assembly potential companions that he falls head over heels for somebody on the primary date? Somebody he actually solely simply met?
Yeah, your Spidey-sense ought to be going off just like the Inexperienced Goblin’s about to chuck a pumpkin bomb by means of your window.
In and of itself, that response to a primary date is fairly sus. It’s not out of the realm of chance, however my cynical ass is all the time going to have a look at a situation from a fucking Hallmark Christmas film and surprise simply what the catch is. If it wasn’t for the ‘stupidly wealthy’ half, one may probably write it off as simply… actually enthusiastic and perhaps twitterpated to the purpose that his judgment was a bit off. Perhaps he’s only a all-gas-no-brakes kinda man, emotionally. That’s not a crimson crimson flag, nevertheless it’s actually a “proceed with warning” signal.
However that wasn’t the one factor, and he is claiming to be this wealthy jet-setting businessman. Which leads us to the following problem.
A part of what he’s doing is attempting to overwhelm you and your judgement by portray this image of glamour and pleasure and entry to a life you possible may solely think about and welcoming you to be part of it. Which is a crimson flag.
I’m certain you’ve heard the time period “love-bombing” – it’s one thing that people began throwing round on social media, normally inaccurately. Love-bombing is a method when somebody tries to govern you right into a relationship by means of actions which are past what can be acceptable for that stage of your relationship. This usually includes issues like early and intense conversations in regards to the future with you, expressing deep and passionate emotions effectively above what can be affordable for the way lengthy they’ve identified you and showering you with over-the-top items… particularly items that you simply didn’t ask for, don’t need or don’t want.
Whereas some individuals are simply very enthusiastic and love-bombing isn’t all the time intentional, it is inherently manipulative. Typically it will possibly come from a spot of low-confidence and low shallowness – particularly if the particular person doing the bombing has an anxious attachment type – nevertheless it’s additionally a often deliberate tactic by individuals who need to lock down a dedication from any individual earlier than they’ve an opportunity to suppose issues by means of.
Now, like I mentioned: in case your erstwhile suitor was simply being overly excited since you’re simply that superior… effectively, that doesn’t make it higher, per se, nevertheless it positively would point out a normal lack of emotional intelligence and confidence. Inviting somebody he actually simply met to journey around the globe with him alerts that he possible lacks good judgement beneath the perfect of circumstances.
The truth that he appears to suppose that is completely acceptable can be a sign that even when this cat truly has the cash he claims, and he intends to spend it on you, it’d nonetheless be higher to go and let another person be the beneficiary of his largesse.
However that’s not what occurred right here, and that’s why I don’t suppose this is the crimson flag you’ll want to be paying probably the most consideration to. The crimson flag I feel ought to be absolutely the dealbreaker is how he reacts if you say “no”.
The first time you mentioned no ought to have been the top of the dialogue. It wasn’t. As a substitute he purchased you a small current and went on his journey… and saved asking you to journey with him. And he retains speaking about it, even if you say no. After which he will get aggressive if you assert your boundaries by saying “not simply no, however if you happen to maintain bringing it up, it’ll be ‘by no means discuss to me once more’”.
That, I’m afraid, is a good fucking huge crimson flag. That could be a crimson flag so giant that Godzilla would suppose it was a bit a lot.
First, he is aware of he fucked up, and that current was principally a bribe to maintain your consideration and maintain you speaking to him. He’d moderately you suppose that he’s a candy and excitable pet; he’s making a multitude, however his intentions are good. Besides he’s additionally ignoring your clearly said boundary, he’s telling you that you’re incorrect for having that boundary with him within the first place, after which negging you for good measure. This bit. This bit proper fucking right here:
“He informed me I’m overreacting, and that I’m in all probability very protecting and closed due to my previous relationships, however that he’s not like that.”
That’s a neg. He’s attempting to make you’re feeling uncool, make you justify having this boundary within the first place and why you shouldn’t be expressing or imposing it to him. He desires you to reply by attempting to hunt his approval, and making you clarify the boundary’s existence is so he can let you know why you shouldn’t have it with him. And you then accede to his greater standing and superior knowledge and fly off to a different nation with him. That’s the type of shit that ought to finish the dialog for good.
However hey, why wave one crimson flag when you’ll be able to wave many on the similar goddamn time? As a result of this shit ought to be making folks hop the primary obtainable Nope Prepare to Fuck-This-Shitville:
“he responded by saying this was simply “my standpoint” and explaining level by level why I used to be incorrect and that he solely tried to “flip it round on me” as soon as.”
OK so “please cease attempting to alter my thoughts once I mentioned no, cease ignoring my requests to drop the topic and likewise I’ve excellent the explanation why I don’t like this” is simply “your standpoint” and also you’re “incorrect” about how you’re feeling and why. Yeah, fuuuuuuuuck off with that shit. And “I solely tried to show it round on you as soon as” just isn’t the instance of being a gentleman that he appears to suppose.
I notice evaluating this to precise bodily violence can sound excessive, however that is moderately like saying “Look I didn’t hit you that laborious…”
Do I do know for certain that this was a swindler, a narcissist or potential abuser searching for one other sufferer? No. However the whole lot you describe about his habits can be an virtually excellent instance of love-bombing and large ol’ warning indicators saying “keep again” and “hazardous, don’t contact”.
Sure, you have been completely proper to belief your instincts on this. That’s not you being over-sensitive due to previous trauma, that’s your Spidey-sense telling you that shit was not proper. And if this man actually was some playboy millionaire with more cash than impulse management… effectively, it’s a disgrace to overlook out, however the way in which he was performing was a very good signal that you must block him anyway.
And if he was being honest about how he couldn’t cease desirous about you and likes you SOOOO MUCH after – and I can’t stress this sufficient – ONE DATE? That doesn’t make it higher.
You trusted your self and guarded your self, PTSD, and that’s a very good factor.
Hopefully, your subsequent date will truly dwell as much as the potential that this one promised. With out the manipulative bullshit and high-pressure ways.
Good luck.
