Estimated studying time: 11 minutes
Pricey Dr. NerdLove:
Hey, I apologize prematurely for my prolonged rambling, I are inclined to overthink, and get nervous typing.
I’m fairly actually not sure what to do, currently my boyfriend will get much more distant. He informed me immediately that he has a toddler, and has had ADHD most his life, he takes physician prescribed remedy to assist with the ADHD. I perceive that ADHD causes him to wrestle immensely with communication. I’ve been nothing however what I really feel is knowing with reference to that. Nevertheless, I’m now not sure whether or not his conduct is ADHD, or only a man who solely talks when it’s handy for him.
My boyfriend and I’ve been collectively for eight months. Final yr he needed to transfer for his job, and so now we at the moment are in a long-distance distance relationship. We have now recognized one another for occurring three years as he was a buyer coming into my work. We began speaking and he lastly requested me for my phone quantity. We began texting, then he informed me he waited fairly some time to ask for my quantity as he needed me to know his intentions had been severe. We bought alongside fairly properly, he was affected person from the get go, not making me really feel pressured, and he shared about having child, which I’m pretty sure I had already seen, he didn’t understand that. Then someday I requested him to offer me a journey house. He merely took house, and didn’t attempt something in any respect.
Three months later, he first requested me to be his girlfriend. By the top of the month I totally agreed, and we had been official to one another. Or so I assumed.
Sooner or later final yr, after we had been official, he was not speaking a lot, and for a few week didn’t say a lot to me. The we went about two weeks or extra with out spending time collectively, apart from my seeing him coming to my work to purchase power drinks. We had been in his automotive someday speaking while he drove, and he point out he had a second girlfriend. He stated I used to be his primary although, and requested me how I felt about him having a second girlfriend. I used to be fully forthright in saying I didn’t know, as he was my first boyfriend ever. I discussed that I didn’t understand how I used to be alleged to really feel. Although, I gave what I considered clear indication after that I used to be merely trying to solely have one boyfriend, and for me to be his solely girlfriend.
Then later a month or so he stated he was joking about having a second girlfriend. I assumed wow, okay I didn’t understand that was meant as a joke.
Right this moment one in all my regulars who is aware of me fairly properly requested about how I used to be. They requested if me and the man he noticed someday had been an merchandise but. I used to be trustworthy in telling them he was my boyfriend. Then the client requested “does he have one other girlfriend?” I replied no he has a toddler whom I’ve met many instances in my work, she is about 5. They stated when did I final see him once I stated two months they stated he’s almost certainly bought different girls.
My boyfriend as all the time been on the much less talkative aspect so far as quick messages of fine morning, and never a lot else.
Although As of late my boyfriend has been rising distant going days with out speaking, but energetic on-line on Instagram. Not often ever says good morning anymore, he doesn’t ask how I’m, or something that he used to ask. He is not going to reply to my Instagram messages; or, properly he has by no means answered my Instagram movies calls. We have now solely talked on the phone 3 times, all 3 times was when he was coming as much as see me. Apart from that he by no means solutions my telephone calls, hardly ever reply my cellphone texts anymore. He hasn’t even been really making an attempt to spend time with me. Final time I noticed him for a protracted time frame was in January we went to the native ball area park to play on the away. Then when he introduced me house. We chatted in his automotive outdoors for perhaps fifteen to twenty minutes. I used to be double checking his automotive for my issues per his asking “did you get all the pieces babe?”. Abruptly I discovered an article of clothes that clearly belonged to a lady. Hmm I’ve been overthinking that for the previous 4 months actually. Per probability it was one thing that belonged for his child, I merely stated oh “there may be this”, his response was “oh fuck that”. I stated okay, and threw it within the again seat. Come two weeks after the time we spent collectively I despatched him an trustworthy message asking “am I an afterthought in your life as a result of your coronary heart lies elsewhere” ? I felt the necessity to state this as a result of he all the time waits till after the very fact to inform me necessary issues like dropping his pockets, a gap in his tire, or being sick.
He went these final two months with out seeing me. I’ve repeatedly informed him days I’ve taken particularly in hopes of spending with him. He hardly ever responds to my eager to spend time with him. He now not appears to ask when can I see you. Final time he did was February, then he went two days with out speaking. Then third day he randomly confirmed up at my work one night time for perhaps fifteen minutes to get gasoline, and snacks. Nevertheless, my sister was already outdoors ready to offer me a journey house seeing as I don’t drive. I informed my boyfriend I might message after I bought a house as I needed to spend time with him. Thus he might come get me. He by no means responded to my messages that night time.
Final week I requested him about doing one thing collectively. Obtained a form of response saying heck yeah babe. Although, he by no means bought again to be after I requested when he can be obtainable, and informed him my availability.
We have now not performed something for 2 months. I’ve no clue what to do? Would possibly the client be proper that he has different girls. Was he really being truthful when he informed me about one other girlfriend. I apologize for fairly the prolonged message, it’s arduous to make sense of what supposed to say.
Thanks for taking the time to learn this.
An Choice or a Precedence?
Hoo boy.
Okay, AOAP, let’s get one factor clear proper off the bat. Sure, generally having ADHD can imply that one is unhealthy about returning texts, emails, DMs or phonecalls. It’s a short-term reminiscence factor; the particular person with ADHD says “oh, okay, I’ll get that in a bit”, however that intention by no means really writes to disc after which they understand that they hadn’t responded and it’s been nonetheless many hours or days and now it feels awkward to answer so it simply will get shuffled into the Pile o Disgrace, there to only wake that particular person up at four AM when their mind decides to replay each embarrassing or silly factor they’ve stated or performed since they first began having object permanence.
That’s very totally different from going for weeks or months with out speaking. If his ADHD is that unhealthy, then I’m somewhat shocked that he’s in a position to operate and do issues like “maintain down a job” or “not default on his payments, hire or mortgage funds”. Can ADHD make somebody a poor communicator or somebody who forgets obligations or plans? Completely. However there’s a degree the place it might require a stage of ADHD that makes it subsequent to not possible to operate as a grown-ass grownup. It’s definitely doable to hit that stage or have reached a degree the place his remedy isn’t’ working, he’s on the unsuitable meds or he’s been hit by the identical remedy scarcity that the remainder of us wrestle with.
However there’s additionally a degree the place he’s simply being an asshole.
However perhaps it’s not simply the ADHD. He needed to transfer for work, and it’s fully doable that he could possibly be extremely busy, even to the purpose of overwhelm. There’re instances when even shut associates could be so overloaded with work that they simply don’t have the bandwidth or spoons to speak the way in which they might have earlier than. This may be very true in the event that they’re additionally loaded down with different obligations that take a giant chunk out of what remaining bandwidth they’ve.
However that doesn’t preclude somebody from telling their associate, even a long-distance associate, that they’re fucking overwhelmed. Or to make them a precedence, even over individuals who is perhaps nearer handy.
I don’t like leaping straight to “he’s horrible, dump him” off the bat; I do my finest to be charitable in my reads of how individuals could also be behaving and never assume that they’re simply assholes. It’s a straightforward and lazy method to relationship recommendation, even when it does apply a lot of the time. So I attempt to observe Hanlon’s Razor relating to seemingly neglectful conduct.
Hanlon’s Razor states that you simply shouldn’t ascribe to malice what could be adequately defined by stupidity or ignorance. However the corollary to that is that previous a sure level, there’s no materials distinction between stupidity and malice.
The identical applies to ADHD; previous a sure level, somebody can have ADHD and that makes them a poor communicator and somebody who’s careless with their guarantees and obligations. However somebody can have ADHD and simply be an asshole.
And I hate to say it however I feel you’re relationship an asshole.
Extra to the purpose, I do know you’re relationship him, however I kinda marvel if he is relationship you. The best way he behaves definitely means that no, no he isn’t. Absolutely the lack of communication is a part of it, however so are a few of the different clues and hints. That complete “Did I inform you I’ve one other girlfriend” factor? That’s what we within the relationship recommendation biz name “an enormous fucking purple flag”, the type that’s massive and purple sufficient that he must keep away from rodeos for his personal security.
Brushing it off as “only a joke” doesn’t make it higher. In and of itself, that’s not a “joke”, and appearing like it’s can be an indicator that he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to know that this was a dumb factor to joke about. That sounds much more like a “joking however not likely” form of situation, the place he’s floating a trial balloon to see how you’ll react. You didn’t reply properly and so all of a sudden it’s only a bit. A goof! A gag! You’re his primary gal! Besides, y’know, for the way in which he ignores you, doesn’t make plans and doesn’t appear to point out up besides when he wants a Monster or two. And likewise discovering girls’s clothes within the automotive.
Now, do I feel he’s dishonest? It’s actually arduous to say. There’s simply not sufficient conclusive proof in your letter and what is there might have harmless explanations. But when I’m being trustworthy, whether or not he’s dishonest/ is unethically non-monogamous or not doesn’t actually matter as a result of that doesn’t change the relaxation of his conduct. And his conduct means that he doesn’t actually take into account you a girlfriend, nor does he deal with you want one.
So that is going to sound like a little bit of a digression however persist with me. One of many explanation why lots of people, girls particularly, don’t like informal relationships is as a result of individuals typically use that as an excuse to deal with individuals casually. Sure, you aren’t a pair within the conventional sense, you don’t have an expectation of long-term dedication or exclusivity and it’s possible you’ll need to keep away from behaving as a romantic associate to assist keep away from catching feels… however that’s totally different from treating somebody poorly. Even an informal associate is somebody who deserves respect and consideration, not being handled like simply an possibility.
I deliver this up as a result of that’s exactly the way in which your beau is treating you. You two are theoretically relationship. In concept, that ought to make you a precedence to him. However he’s not treating you want a precedence. He’s treating you want an possibility, and never even a very favored one. It looks as if you’re a matter of comfort – somebody who’s there when he needs one thing, however who could be ignored or disregarded in any other case. That’s not form, that’s not thoughtful or respectful to your emotions, to your time or simply to you as a particular person.
Because of this I don’t assume it issues whether or not that is right down to his ADHD or not or whether or not he’s dishonest or not. Even when it actually is his ADHD that makes him act like this (it’s not) and he’s being devoted (indicators unclear, ask once more later), he’s nonetheless treating you want an possibility, not a precedence. He’s treating you badly. And that’s actually all the rationale it is best to must exit this relationship at pace.
I feel it might do you some good to take a second and ask your self: what are you getting from this relationship? Are you really getting your wants met? Is relationship him making you content, or is his conduct inflicting you extra stress, extra irritation, extra heartache and/or extra ache than pleasure? My guess, primarily based on what you’ve written is “no”. And that, to my thoughts, is an effective motive to acknowledge that if this relationship isn’t assembly your wants, it’s time to go.
So I recommend giving him the “it’s not me, it’s you” message and he can reply or not as he sees match. In the meantime it is best to go and discover a associate who treats you want a precedence, not an possibility… when it’s handy for him to take action.
Good luck.
