13th June 2024


“The place did he disappear?” Tereza began on the lookout for her date, when she didn’t see him on the dance ground. He promised to make this a pleasant night, since he screwed up final time. “Oh, there he’s, across the nook”. She couldn’t imagine her eyes. He was kissing one other girls! Tereza felt so humiliated and indignant. She needed to yell at him and slap his face. However as an alternative, she froze. Her thoughts went clean and phrases escaped her. She was scared to indicate her anger and burn the bridges, so she quietly packed up and left in defeat. Ten years later she was nonetheless indignant on the man, who made her really feel like a idiot.

What does individuals pleasing, perfectionism and self-sabotage need to do with disgrace? Surprisingly quite a bit! How precisely does that work and how are you going to keep away from this silent entice?

As a coach and NLP Grasp practitioner (Neuro – linguistic programming), I help my shoppers in discovering hidden unconscious patterns of self-sabotage of their relationships. Girls are sometimes annoyed, that the identical drawback repeats with completely different males. How is that potential? Are there no good males left? Not precisely.

The hidden disgrace along with hidden guilt are on the core of most of the self-sabotaging patterns and trigger lack of self-compassion. You may have in all probability heard earlier than, that you need to love your self first, earlier than anyone else can love you. Simpler stated than finished, proper? What if I advised you that the disgrace and guilt is what’s stopping individuals to like themselves? Then, issues are beginning to make extra sense.


Disgrace is tough to uncover, as a result of individuals are solely not often consciously conscious of it and usually don’t know which signs relate to it.

Nevertheless, when disgrace is accurately identified, it may be shortly remodeled by way of the NLP workouts. In consequence individuals can lastly free themselves of outdated beliefs and exterior requirements, they’ve been subjected to for a few years. Aspect impact of this course of is normally brief intense anger – as a result of they notice any individual “put” them on this commonplace and so they had suffered, following it. Brief intense grief can be frequent as a result of individuals realise they’ve missed many alternatives in life, as a result of their selections had been restricted by the unreasonable requirements.

Nevertheless, the anger and grief serve function right here, as a result of they assist construct new boundaries and strengthen the weak id of the person. Whereas the grief, anger and typically additionally guilt turn into activated in our consciousness, it makes them accessible for transformation. Reworking guilt, grief and anger brings additional reduction and helps individuals free themselves from different outdated patterns, whereas connecting to larger power assets. The method is just not linear, however like waves of up and down emotions with an upward pattern. The brand new realisations want just a few days for integration and caught feelings, which have simply been unlocked by means of the method, must be launched.

Because the particular person strikes upwards within the pattern, new life selections turn into obtainable and life transforms to a extra satisfying expertise.


Individuals report the transformation to be very deep, with quick outcomes. Inside just a few classes some individuals are capable of develop from shy, unworthy particular person, who routinely accepts dangerous remedy of others, to any individual who’s prepared to precise themselves creatively or verbally, begins setting clear boundaries, has a brand new life imaginative and prescient and motivation for motion.

Individuals additionally reported being extra at peace, beginning to take higher care of their appears and well being, having extra selections and creating issues they’ll sit up for. They turn into conscious of robust negativity of sure individuals of their atmosphere and select to spend much less time with them, saving their power to put money into constructive objectives. Issues on their “bucket listing” begin to materialise.

Marlene determined to change jobs to just accept a brand new alternative. She developed her web site and began her way of life weblog. She determined to be extra genuine and do issues she all the time needed however in some way felt she couldn’t do. She purchased a brand new digicam and booked a visit to California. She began to handle her power higher by setting clear boundaries together with her mother, who used to push her into issues she didn’t need to do. She managed to stay calm when she noticed image of her ex with a brand new girlfriend, realising he’s not the person she needed for her future. Prior to now she would have fallen into self doubt and blaming herself for dropping him. 

Lara spent months desirous about completely different providers she might provide in her new enterprise, nevertheless it was arduous to determine what would really feel proper. After the disgrace decision train, she grew to become clear about her new life imaginative and prescient and introduced her enterprise thought proudly in entrance of a gaggle of individuals. This could have been unattainable up to now when she was afraid of public talking. She additionally determined what sort of a relationship she needed and that investing time into her ex companion won’t result in her new purpose. 

Particular person outcomes and pace of progress range. It is determined by what number of interferences come up through the course of. Interferences are psychological resistances, normally one thing that must be heard and resolved, earlier than the particular person can absolutely transfer ahead. Working with the resistances is a part of the transformation course of.


What I noticed concerning the transformation, matches the order of the power frequencies described by Dr. David Hawkins in his guide Energy vs. Power. In keeping with his analysis, disgrace is the bottom power frequency, guilt is the second lowest one, whereas grief and anger are already barely larger on the dimensions.

Placing the feelings in a sure order is beneficial as a route for private growth. Whereas Dr. Hawkins is of opinion, that it’s potential however unlikely individuals would transfer upwards on this chart, I’m conscious {that a} particular choice of NLP workouts can do exactly that. I’m excited that we will mix these two instruments, which one among them exhibits path and the opposite is step-by-step course of “ do it”.

My goal is to join the power ranges to a sensible listing of signs associated to relationship issues, that I’ve gathered from working with my shoppers. This listing can function a easy diagnostic software and may pace up the method of remodeling the self-sabotaging patterns. I’ve observed 5 teams of signs associated to disgrace. 


There are 5 teams of signs associated to hidden disgrace. Learn by means of the outline and see whether or not you relate to a number of of the conditions. Not each a part of the outline essentially applies to you, word for your self, which half is related.

  1. Self expression and chatting with individuals
    1. Standing up for self and creating wholesome boundaries
    1. Particular person id vs. expectations of society
    1. Perfectionism
    1. Self vs. romantic companion


Individuals affected by disgrace typically report they’re not in a position / allowed / protected to precise themselves. This contains inventive expression, chatting with others, saying their opinion, going after what they’d like, in addition to having clear imaginative and prescient for all times, profession, relationships. As a consequence, they’ve a sense they cannot do / have or be of their life what they need and really feel like they haven’t achieved a lot, which underlines the disgrace. Regardless of their sensible effort, they find yourself with different B – which doesn’t really feel proper.

They really feel embarrassed or paralysed to talk to or in entrance of others, as a result of they might be judged, rejected, or they really feel unimportant and inferior to others. Some really feel invisible to others as if no one would even discover in the event that they didn’t exist. Others need to disappear or be invisible to flee the disagreeable strain of perceived judgement.


Similar to Tereza from the above story, individuals beneath the spell of disgrace really feel paralysed when they’re supposed to face up for themselves. The phrases escape them, thoughts goes clean and they aren’t capable of react on the spot, regardless of intense emotional response, that goes on the within. The shortage of response or delayed response causes that others can simply overstep their unclear boundaries.

Some discover that setting boundaries is harmful, as a result of they may lose the love or acceptance of necessary individuals, cease belonging to an necessary group, find yourself alone or one thing else dangerous might occur. Talking up one’s opinion is just not protected, it could actually result in self or others getting harm.

With lack of inside id, pleasing others turns into the one commonplace, as a result of the person is mentally depending on others. Unable to say no on account of disgrace or guilt of disappointing others, they make themselves as likeable as potential. That is speculated to safe love and good relationships. Tolerating dangerous remedy or calls for is the value of “not being alone”. Placing concentrate on self feels unsuitable, egocentric and brings guilt.


People in disgrace don’t know what they need. They haven’t actually considered it, as a result of their focus is on others. They aren’t necessary in their very own eyes, their accomplishments are discarded as “not so particular” and shortcomings are emphasised. They really feel not adequate, not doing sufficient and obliged to behave in accordance with what others count on them to be / do / say. They need to do like everyone does, in any other case they won’t be accepted, preferred and find yourself on the sting of society.

If they’re unable to do just like the society commonplace, they really feel bizarre, not regular and embarrassed. Girls, who don’t have a household by sure age or who haven’t achieved astonishing profession really feel ashamed and that one thing is unsuitable with them. They really feel they’ll’t have in life what they need and what they’ve, isn’t adequate in entrance of others.


Perfectionist had been closely criticised as youngsters, whereas their accomplishments had been taken with no consideration. They developed an unrealistically excessive expectations of self and others. They really feel like a failure if not good and simply turn into disillusioned by others. They really feel they need to work very arduous and ship superior outcomes to achieve recognition of others. It looks like it doesn’t matter what they do, it’s by no means sufficient. They really feel the strain to be good in every part, ideally the most effective and may’t stand criticism. Listening to reward about others, whereas they aren’t recognised, feels as dangerous as direct criticism. They assume it’s all about them and that others are attempting to place them down.

There isn’t a area for making mistake, they attempt to be good, in any other case they are going to turn into unworthy and lose face. After they don’t do one thing to the complete extent, they really feel responsible. They will’t let different individuals down and strain themselves to be a task mannequin for others. They’ve arduous time setting boundaries as a result of they really feel chargeable for every part and everyone, just like the world or firm would collapse, in the event that they didn’t do their half. They are often bitterly stunned, if others exchange them simply. The acute effort  is meant to forestall them from feeling disgrace and earn love and recognition.


Individuals affected by disgrace are not clear what they need for themselves within the relationship, in addition to the actual fact they need to be cherished, protected and free, primarily as a result of they don’t really feel internally protected, lovable or free to precise themselves. Due to that, they not often set clear standards for companion alternative. All the things is externally referenced. Girls begin a relationship as a result of he confirmed curiosity and he or she didn’t need to miss an opportunity, regardless of her instinct, that he wasn’t the proper one. Girls put themselves as objects of the connection, quite than an equal companion – by saying I desire a man who desires xxx with me. I desire a man who will love me, who will see me for who I’m.

They turn into shortly excited a few new companion and make investments quite a bit within the relationship, specializing in supporting the companion. They’re doubting whether or not they’re doing sufficient, so that they do much more. They don’t ask for a lot or nothing in any respect, however count on that the companion will do their half and equally assist them. They emphasise “us” and are bitterly stunned when the man doesn’t admire all the trouble and doesn’t even love them.

Companions have lot of energy over them. If companion criticises, this can be very hurtful and the girl feels ashamed like one thing is unsuitable together with her and that it’s her fault issues aren’t working. They could strive even more durable, till the connection turns into insufferable and determine to interrupt up, at which level the companion is perhaps stunned there was even an issue.

One other situation is that girls drive themselves “logically” right into a relationship with a man who confirmed curiosity, regardless of feeling no sparkle. Ultimately they’ve to interrupt up as a result of they aren’t keen to decide to a person who isn’t “sufficient” for them, however really feel responsible to do it. 


If you end up in a number of of the patterns of hidden disgrace, reduction may be discovered by means of remodeling the disgrace into “no disgrace”, by training the NLP workouts. In the event you require assist within the course of or you will have nonetheless doubt whether or not disgrace might apply to you, contact me at info@michaelaray.com.


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