It’s time once more for “Expensive Wendy Updates,” a function the place individuals I’ve given recommendation to prior to now tell us whether or not they adopted the recommendation and the way they’re doing now. As we speak we hear from “Devoted Dad” whose girlfriend of a yr was asking him to maneuver away from his youngsters to her city 45 minutes from them, change his custody association from 50/50 to having his youngsters solely each different weekend which might require his youngsters to modify faculties and dwell with their mother (and her new husband and child) primarily. He wrote:
“After I ask my girlfriend about her transferring nearer to me, she says she will’t try this as a result of she doesn’t wish to dwell within the city the place I began a life with another person. I worry that my youngsters will really feel resentful or deserted. My girlfriends says that the way in which we take them forwards and backwards to stick with me or with their mother is an excessive amount of carting round and that they want a extra secure atmosphere. She thinks they need to be at their mother’s home throughout the week as an alternative of spending half the week with me. My girlfriend will get upset about why I didn’t transfer after my divorce and why I selected this custody settlement. I advised her it was as a result of I felt that I used to be doing the suitable factor by my youngsters, staying shut and being concerned, and there was by no means anybody in my life after the divorce till her. I by no means noticed myself as a weekend dad nor have I ever needed to be.”
I advised him that his girlfriend sounded terrible and that he ought to stand his floor and completely not transfer away from his youngsters or change a custody association that’s working for them, him, and his youngsters’ mother. Commenters, after all, agreed with that recommendation. Did he take it although? His replace beneath:
My girlfriend says when it does come time to purchase a home, she desires it to be in between the place she lives and I dwell. So meaning I’d be about 20 minutes to 30 minutes away from my youngsters’ mom as an alternative of 15 minutes from her house. She says proper now that I’m too concerned with the children and that I’m having a tough time letting go – that I’ve an ego drawback about letting the children develop a stronger relationship with their stepdad. I don’t really feel that’s the case. My level is why would I need them to have a stronger relationship with their stepdad than me when I’m nonetheless right here? Why would I wish to give that up?
She additionally stated that if we purchased a home collectively that my present custody schedule couldn’t stand as a result of it will be an excessive amount of back-and-forth throughout the week so she thinks it will be finest that we both saved the each different weekend or sooner or later every week and each different weekend. She has made feedback that I should be ready if we obtained married and had a baby that I’d not be capable to attend sure features, similar to sports activities, faculty, occasions and stuff as a result of I’d should be house together with her and a brand new little one. She tells me that I maintain elevating them like we’re a household unit, when, in her opinion, we aren’t. She says they’re extra of a household after they’re with their mom as a result of their mom has remarried and has a baby and after they come by me, it’s simply me.
For some ridiculous purpose, I maintain attempting to assume in my head how I could make this work between us. She refuses to maneuver wherever close to me in order that I can proceed my present settlement and relationship with the youngsters and he or she refuses to see why I’m so involved. Typically I ponder, even when I did conform to all of her calls for, would I really be glad? Would I simply be setting myself up for an additional divorce down the street? I don’t know why I’m combating this. Perhaps I’m simply afraid to be alone.
Your query actually hasn’t modified for the reason that first time you requested, and my response remains to be the identical, however perhaps much more emphatic: your girlfriend is AWFUL. She actually, actually is. No respectable individual would ever need her associate to desert his kids like she’s asking you to do. I imagine you once you say you’re combating this. I imagine that you recognize what you’re being requested by your girlfriend to do is incorrect, is unfair, is one thing you recognize wouldn’t profit anybody however perhaps your girlfriend and would come at an awesome detriment to your youngsters’ wellbeing and the soundness of your relationship with them. And also you’re proper: these adjustments would construct resentment – not simply in your youngsters, however in you, too. There’s no manner you received’t resent your girlfriend for the injury these adjustments would inflict in your relationship together with your kids.
Finally, yeah, you’ll break up with this terrible girl. Whether or not you do it after damaging your youngsters and perhaps even bringing one other little one into this world with a lady who’s form of a monster is 100% in your management. You realize what the suitable reply right here is. Concern of being alone is legitimate, it’s comprehensible, it’s one thing many of us can relate to. Nevertheless it simply doesn’t justify blowing up your youngsters’ lives and probably ruining your relationship with them. There are different ladies on the market – ladies who will respect and even love the bond you may have together with your kids. Please don’t accept much less. Don’t proceed a relationship with a lady who basically asks you to decide on her over your youngsters. No good will come from this.
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