This text initially appeared within the Doc Love Membership – to affix for extra articles like this click on right here and remember to get your 10% low cost on THE SYSTEM/DATING DICTIONARY right here – it is the guide that is modified hundreds of lives all over the world – are you subsequent?
(Editor’s Word, this letter was written earlier than Doc’s loss of life in August, 2020 however nonetheless related as Doc’s ideas are timeless).
By the way in which – we launched a brand new article through DatingAdvice.com in late February and it is about not getting caught up in detrimental stats saying you may by no means discover somebody – that article and extra are featured right here as we provide the better of Doc by contributing his best considering to that web site month-to-month (MAKE SURE TO SCROLL DOWN ON THAT LINK ABOVE FOR ALL THE ARTICLES AS WE CONTINUE TO GROW THAT PAGE)!
Hey Doc,
Lengthy-time, loyal pupil, first-time author. I’ve learn your guide, your articles, and hear and re-listen to your radio present repeatedly. I observe “The System” religiously and it really works! Up to a degree.
I’ve been relationship Caprice, a Versatile Giver, for 21 months. I keep off the cellphone, until it’s to make a date, I’m a Problem, I preserve issues gentle and humorous, I even stroll on the surface of the curb (and have defined to her why). Even her mother and father and brothers like me. After a couple of yr and a half of relationship, Caprice introduced up marriage. Taking a web page out of your guide, I instructed her I’d marry her if she saved being a superb woman.
Nonetheless, all of it appears to have backfired on me! Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re appropriate. She nonetheless says she loves me and continues to be sensitive with me (so I don’t assume it’s simply Womanese). Considered one of her particular complaints is that I don’t talk, and that she doesn’t actually know me. In your guide you say to not speak an excessive amount of about your self and solely inform her issues that can increase her Curiosity Degree. I shut my mouth and ensure I hear, but when she asks what I take into consideration one thing and I believe my reply will decrease Curiosity Degree, I don’t say something. Ought to I open up extra?
Once I known as Caprice on her sudden change in angle, she defined that she’s been eager about us so much. She additionally mentioned she’s modified so much for me, so why can’t I modify for her? I identified all of the issues I did for her, and that I don’t inform her the whole lot in order that I don’t overburden her with my issues. However she mentioned she desires to know the whole lot about me. She mentioned that perhaps I used to be too good for her. I instructed her that doesn’t make sense. Rattling, they’re artful, Doc, as a result of I don’t even keep in mind her response. I believe she mentioned, “I simply need you to be glad” (I’ve heard that previously, proper earlier than the door hit me on my means out!).
Caprice additionally mentioned that she thinks she loves me greater than I like her (which is the proper state of affairs, per your guide). So I identified that my actions present that I care, not my phrases. She countered that she wants phrases too. However I don’t wish to get too mushy, like your guide says. Caprice did admit to having a concern of dedication, by the way in which, however I don’t know what that’s presupposed to imply.
Doc, you’re the one one who can coach me now, since you’re the one one I belief. What ought to I do? Ought to I simply be extra open? Ought to I inform Caprice the whole lot? Am I doing one thing incorrect? How can I repair this? In the interim we’ve left it at “we’ll strive tougher to speak higher.” I’m fairly certain her Curiosity Degree continues to be above 50%. Thanks for the whole lot, Doc!
Syward – who’s scratching his head
Have you ever checked out Doc’s newest FREE video: HOW TO STOP OBSESSING OVER SOMEONE YOU WANT (REMEMBER, THE NEXT VIDEO COMES OUT ON 3/5/2023 AND IT TACKLES THE QUESTION OF DO WOMEN PREFER A LEAN OR MUSCULAR BODY – OR IS THAT EVEN THE POINT?)
Hello Syward,
If you say “The System” works solely up to a degree, you’re incorrect straight out of the gate. I respect all of your exhausting work, dude, however my strategies don’t have restricted effectiveness. Quite the opposite — “THE SYSTEM” WORKS ALL THE TIME ON EVERYTHING. For those who missed one thing within the Courting Dictionary or misinterpreted my strategies, then it’s not an issue with my guide; it’s an issue with you. So please don’t say it solely works “up to a degree.”
Once I have a look at your historical past with Caprice, you mentioned and did all the fitting issues. To this point you’re doing nice. To you Psych majors, if all your technique appears to have backfired on you, it’s due to the woman, not due to my guide. Like the good Physician Freud as soon as mentioned, “Don’t assault ‘The System’ if the woman’s off her rocker!” Give it some thought, Syward: when Caprice says she doesn’t actually know you after you’ve been relationship her for 21 months, is that basically doable? How can she not know you if she’s seen your actions all that point?
When Caprice asks what you consider one thing, it’s best to at all times come again with one thing humorous. Child her about no matter she desires to know. In different phrases, give her what’s known as a “non-answer reply.”
What occurred right here wasn’t only a sudden change in Caprice’s angle. She’s been eager about all of these items for six months. That’s additionally within the guide, and both you missed it or didn’t actually take it in, my good friend. And if she’s been eager about it so much, what she actually means is that she’s been considering so much about it negatively. So there’s Womanese happening right here whether or not or not you realize it.
If you instructed Caprice you didn’t wish to overburden her with all your issues, she ought to have taken that as a supportive praise. However when she mentioned she wanted phrases in addition to actions, proper there you have been completed, useless within the water. What you’ve gotten here’s a woman who’s been brainwashed by the worst of American tradition. And what she’s been brainwashed with is the concept that when you’re not mushy and pouring out your coronary heart about all of your negatives and hang-ups and insecurities, you don’t have a satisfying relationship. You’ve handled this woman completely for 21 months and that’s not ok? What’s to not like?
I do know that you simply’re confused as a result of Caprice mentioned she had a concern of dedication, however you possibly can make certain that she has a concern of one thing. It’s best to have requested her what she meant by that, as a result of what she mentioned to you doesn’t make a lick of sense. One minute she brings up marriage and now she has a concern of dedication? How is that even doable? This woman’s displaying heavy indicators of being a loon.
What must you do? There’s just one factor you are able to do with Caprice now, Syward: drop her. Being extra open with this woman gained’t assist as a result of she desires to know all of it. And don’t go telling her the whole lot about your self until it’s optimistic.
No, you’re not doing something incorrect, buddy. The exhausting fact is that you could’t repair this example as a result of you possibly can’t repair her. Caprice has low Self-Esteem and he or she has to listen to all types of mush to be ok with herself. Mush isn’t manly.
Keep in mind, guys: a self-reliant lady can reside in your actions alone, however a lady with low Self-Esteem can not.
