A pair weeks in the past, I opened up my IG tales to fast recommendation questions anybody might need (saved to a spotlight reel right here). The most typical query was: “How do you know should you wished a second child?” I gave a short reply in my tales, however thought I’d open the subject right here, too, for anybody else considering this query or in a position to share your individual expertise.
Very like deciding whether or not or when to have a child within the first place, I believe numerous the choice course of comes all the way down to listening to your coronary heart, contemplating your loved ones dynamic and whether or not you assume a child will add or detract from it, and serious about timing and longterm targets and plans and the way a child may match into or disrupt such plans. There’s no actual magical formulation – particularly the “take heed to your coronary heart” half – however, clearly, speaking it out can assist one arrive at a call. (And it ought to go with out saying, that making a call is simply a part of the method; even if you would like a child, issues might not work out that method). The most important piece of recommendation I may give relating to having a child, whether or not it could be a primary child or second or extra is:
don’t do it should you’re on the fence (at the least, don’t got down to do it; should you get unintentionally pregnant and really feel on the fence, that’s a distinct dialogue). (AND, should you’ve already determined you don’t need any youngsters in any respect and like a submit about that, you may like this one, “Girls Talk about: Deciding to By no means Have Youngsters”).
For me, deciding to have a second child labored just about like deciding to have the primary: my husband made identified that he was very open and keen and that the choice was mine and he would respect it. I used to be on the fence for a very long time (each in deciding for a primary child after which in deciding a few second). I largely knew I wished a primary child, however wasn’t certain when. After which, on the morning of New 12 months’s Day 2011, after I was 34 years previous and Drew and I had been married for a yr and a half, I awoke and it was like a swap had been flipped. I went from “unsure” to “certain” – identical to that.
The second time round, I used to be much less certain that I wished a child in any respect. Parenting a child and toddler had been difficult for me and I didn’t know if I used to be reduce out for multiple (in truth, on the time, I didn’t if I used to be reduce out for the one I had). However after I considered not having anymore, there was a nagging feeling that our household wasn’t full – like there was a soul on the market who was meant to be with us. I did numerous soul-searching for a yr and talked it out a bunch. One of many buddies I talked to was somebody I knew from school who was a mom herself and likewise a therapist (it’s good to have buddies who’re therapists!). I laid out my entire thought course of and completed with “I simply don’t know if I need a second little one,” to which she replied, “Sure, you do.”
I didn’t perceive what she meant. If I knew, I wouldn’t be speaking it out like I used to be. I wouldn’t be asking for recommendation. I wouldn’t be agonizing. I’d KNOW. You understand? I instructed her all this, and she or he repeated: “You already know what you need.” After which she defined that I additionally knew what having a child and toddler was like and, figuring out how difficult these years are – and never figuring out what the years after three-years-old may be like – it was exceptionally laborious for me to embrace the anticipated stress with out proof that the following years may be somewhat simpler as a mother or father. She was proper, however as quickly as I checked out it that method, I felt the figuring out so acutely. I DID need a second child; I used to be simply scared to have that second child. I used to be complicated worry with indecision.
Drew and I had that second child a few yr after my dialogue with my therapist buddy. I’m joyful to say that parenting a child and toddler the second time was a lot simpler, although I believe that has as a lot to do with the temperaments of my infants as my expertise stage. And the years past three-years-old have been so enjoyable and fantastic. My youngsters are 11 and seven now and I actually love these ages and the relationships I’ve with every of my youngsters and the connection they’ve with one another, in addition to the household dynamic all of us share collectively (together with Drew, in fact). And as quickly as Joanie, our second was born, I made identified that I used to be “two and thru,” because the saying goes and Drew made an appointment for a vasectomy shortly after.
How about you all? Did you ever wrestle with selections round whether or not to have a child? How did you deal with deciding?
