17th April 2024
I’ve had this therapeutic massage therapist for 3 years now, and I’ve developed emotions for him that I think are mutual. He does home requires simply me. All of his different shoppers have to come back into his workplace for his or her appointments. About six months after he began massaging me, I requested him to a home-cooked dinner at my dwelling. He refused, however he mentioned that “I can’t have dinner with you now, however I’m trying ahead to the day that I can have dinner with you.” He was very enthusiastic and pleased when he was saying this and he had an enormous smile on his face.

So quick ahead to over two years later. He has been there for me as my therapeutic massage therapist by most cancers, the lack of shut members of the family, previously continual ache which our work collectively considerably decreased, and some different monumental and life-altering occasions. For sure I used to be not able to ask him out once more all through a lot of this time. He has a really intuitive sense of the place I’m at and what I want. He “will get” me. I requested him out for the second time simply two weeks in the past.

This was after he actually mentioned that I’ve a “nice ass” whereas I used to be bare on the therapeutic massage desk final week, and he introduced up sexual dialog between us, which I used to be nice with collaborating in. We do typically flirt, he has referred to as me ‘stunning’ many occasions, complimented my hair, my costume, my fashion, my sense of decor, and so on., however this was very strongly sexual; he has by no means mentioned one thing like this to me earlier than.

He refused by saying that he isn’t hanging out usually as of late. He’s residing in isolation two hours away and solely comes into city for 1-2 days to work after which goes again dwelling. I responded: “Okay. That is the primary time in virtually three years that I’ve requested you straight for a date. I’ll in all probability wait one other three years to ask you once more! I’ll see you on Sunday then [for our appt.]. Thanks then for making me really feel stunning and entire and even attractive.” And he responded and mentioned, “And you might be! See you Sunday.”

I can’t work out if we now have something or not. He’s a terrific therapist and I don’t actually wish to lose him within the therapist capability. We aren’t sexually appropriate, as he has kinks that I’m not excited about that he has shared with me.

I’ve by no means been happier in my life than when I’m with him. Oh, and I forgot to say: he has been single for this complete time, he has been clear with me that he has not wished a relationship with anybody. He additionally admitted to me that he and I’ve sexual chemistry. — Conflicted but Nicely-Rubbed

When you’ve by no means been happier in your life than when your therapeutic massage therapist makes sexual advances and feedback to you, regardless of the danger to his profession and your skilled relationship and regardless of making it clear that he doesn’t truly need a relationship with you and regardless of rejecting your advances for a date twice now, there’s a problem. A number of points, actually. First, there’s no future for any sort of relationship along with your therapeutic massage therapist and it is best to cease pursuing one. Don’t ask him out once more. Not in three years and never ever. Additionally, think about swapping therapeutic massage remedy for psychological remedy – or do each in case you can afford to, however I extremely, extremely suggest discovering a brand new therapeutic massage therapist as persevering with to see one who has repeatedly crossed skilled boundaries isn’t going to be useful in your pursuit for psychological well-being, and prioritizing your psychological well-being proper now could be a MUST in case you are severe that you’re happiest when this man is sexually objectifying you on his therapeutic massage desk. There may be pleasure available out on this planet, and relationships that may be mutually fulfilling, however you aren’t going to seek out it with this man, and I’m involved that if pleasure has eluded you to date, it’s going to proceed to elude you till you get some psychological well being steering.
 

The opposite day I bumped into my fairly-casual lover, “Steve” (who I occur to have robust emotions for, and I’m fairly positive he does for me as effectively), whereas I used to be hanging out with my good friend who I used so far. He (my ex) and I have been buddies earlier than we ever dated; in truth, we ended the connection as a result of we have been nice as buddies however our romance was dysfunctional. We play music collectively and have been on our method to his condo for a (strictly pleasant!) jam session once we bumped into Steve. Nonetheless, I’m unsure if Steve understood that it was only a pleasant assembly. He appeared a bit shocked to see us collectively; it was the day after Steve and I spent a extremely stunning evening/morning collectively. We haven’t spoken about it, however I used to be texting him yesterday and he appeared a bit down… then once more he’s additionally been pressured at work, so it might have been that. Issues are nonetheless evolving between us, and I would like him to know that I wasn’t simply working off to romance any individual else the day after we linked so deeply. It’s actually not my fashion. I’m unsure the way to convey it up or go about it, as I’m unsure what his interpretation of the scenario was, and we’re not precisely in a “dedicated” relationship so I don’t know if bringing it up would even be acceptable. I’m a bit new at having all these unsure phrases in my love life, so any recommendation or perspective can be enormously appreciated! — It Was Only a Jam Session

 
When you assume you’ll see him in particular person quickly, wait to handle the difficulty then. When you don’t have any plans arrange, ship a fast textual content alongside the traces of: “Hey, simply wished you to know that whenever you noticed me with my ex, he and I have been on our method to a (strictly pleasant!) jam session. Possibly you didn’t even care that you just noticed us collectively, however in case you do, I would like you to know that we’re simply buddies — we have been buddies earlier than we dated — and that’s all. I such as you and wouldn’t need you to have the mistaken impression about my relationship with anybody else.”
 

My boyfriend and I’ve a mutual, excessive upkeep good friend/acquaintance, “B,” whom we’ve identified for about 5 years however I believe my boyfriend is nearer to her than I’m (he calls her, hangs out together with her from time to time). B is sweet sufficient, however she is simply too dramatic and self-centered for my private liking. Due to this fact, I hang around together with her fairly occasionally (2-Three per 12 months) and at all times in teams. This method works out for me fairly effectively however my boyfriend can’t fairly work out the way to deal with her and it’s getting on my nerves.

Most (90%) of their conversations (that he relays again to me) appear to be one-sided (hers) and drama-filled (points with males, work, and so on). He often complains to me about how B is so adverse, she will be able to by no means appear to get her life collectively, or she is rarely in an excellent temper after they speak. Simply yesterday he talked about that she just lately despatched him just a few textual content messages and after he didn’t reply inside 10 minutes, she frantically despatched extra texts attempting to determine the place he was and why he didn’t reply to her rapidly. He didn’t like her conduct so he purposely didn’t reply till the subsequent day.

All of this leads me to surprise, what kind of friendship is that this? Why does he proceed to be buddies with somebody who’s such a Debbie Downer in his eyes? I imagine it’s as a result of he had a dysfunctional dwelling life the place he was compelled to maintain and shield his mom throughout some tough occasions (verbal and bodily abuse, drug use and the like). His tendency to gravitate in direction of needy/excessive upkeep/broken ladies has continued all through his maturity (his son’s mom and one other ex-girlfriend have been verbally abusive and manipulative). To this present day, his mom nonetheless leans closely on him each emotionally and monetarily.

Given what I find out about his upbringing and difficulties with setting boundaries, particularly in his relationships with ladies, the way to I keep my very own boundary I’ve set with B regardless that my boyfriend continues to work together together with her? How do I hold her drama out of my life when my boyfriend retains dragging it again into our relationship? — Bored with the B-Shit

 
I’d inform your boyfriend that since you discover B so emotionally exhausting and since her friendship/presence in your life doesn’t convey you something, you favor to maintain her on the perimeter of your social circle and would recognize it if he would respect that and give up pulling you into the very drama that you’re attempting to keep away from. You shouldn’t inform him to not be her good friend, however you may inform him you don’t need any a part of the friendship he has together with her (which means you don’t need him to replace you on their interactions or what’s happening in her life). If he doesn’t respect that, then it might be time so that you can begin setting some boundaries with HIM.

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In case you have a relationship/courting query I may help reply, you may ship me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

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