17th April 2024

Estimated studying time: 12 minutes

Physician’s Be aware: At this time’s column includes the dialogue of sexual assault and outline of assorted acts. Reader discretion is suggested.

Pricey Dr. NerdLove:

I’m reaching out as a result of I’m having hassle comprehending whether or not I used to be assaulted, or if am a cheater. After visiting a bar and having a number of drinks on an empty abdomen, I made a decision to get a trip from my buddy. When he was taking me residence, mid-way earlier than attending to my home. He requested if I might be all the way down to go to the recent tub (it’s a public place we sneak into) clearly since I used to be already buzzed. I mentioned sure enthusiastically. I used to be purported to Facetime my lengthy distance boyfriend that night time too however I utterly ignored that and nonetheless went out. Didn’t give him a heads up as a result of then he would get mad.

He (my buddy) then requested if I needed extra drinks and I mentioned sure. I felt comfy ingesting round him b/c he’s a trusted buddy and is aware of I’m in a relationship. Then we get to the recent tub and drink extra. At this level, I’m already out of it. So he requested let’s go skinny dipping. I mentioned why not. Which I did, I simply coated myself with my fingers and jumped in. He then tries to make a transfer and I shortly push him off and say “woah” and he goes “ oh” and strikes again proper subsequent to me within the sizzling tub. I instructed him “no, please go all the best way to the opposite facet of the hub tub pls and keep there” He then apologizes and says sorry I didn’t know u felt that means. I then mentioned it’s okay simply don’t do this once more.

We drank some extra, I don’t keep in mind precisely what he mentioned after however he got here again subsequent to me within the sizzling tub once more. At this level, I didn’t say something as a result of I wasn’t paying consideration. He then instructed me “are u considering what I’m considering?” I instructed him no. Then he confessed he preferred me and I instructed him “I don’t like u.” In the meantime once I mentioned that he went in for a kiss however I didn’t discover it till the morning of. He by no means touched my lips as I used to be speaking. I instructed him to cease as a result of I care about my boyfriend and he then mentioned “Fuck him. You’re going to interrupt up with him anyhow” and I later mentioned cease I care about my buddy (this was his ex) and he mentioned fuck her, she’s already fucking different dudes. He stored grabbing me and tucking at me till he received me on his lap, the place he penetrated me and I simply sat there smiling and looking out away. I mentioned cease once more and he lastly did and mentioned high-quality you need to go to the home then. He by no means mentioned MY home so I mentioned sure! Considering I’m going residence. I used to be so joyful, I used to be smiling. Glad it was over.

I don’t keep in mind strolling to his automotive or the automotive drive there, I used to be simply saying why would you do this, pls don’t inform anybody. He instructed me “I received’t say something, I’m not attempting to spoil your life.” Lastly the automotive stopped and I received out so quick, and was trying down watching my steps. Till I heard the automotive door behind me and him following me. I seemed up and seen it wasn’t my home. I instructed him “That is isn’t my home”. He goes no it’s okay are available in, nobody’s residence. (He was additionally drunk so I don’t know if he heard me.) I instructed him no somebody’s going to see, is my buddy right here( he lives with roommates). Like I knew what was going to occur however at that time, I felt like an out of expertise.

I didn’t really feel like, I went in the home. I keep in mind feeling caught and eager to run upstairs to my mates room. As an alternative I adopted, I did what he mentioned. I took off my garments and laid down. I instructed myself if I don’t contact him or kiss him, it’s not prefer it occurred. So I simply laid there, I felt actually out of it. I then keep in mind passing out and waking up, my naked bare physique and seeing him. I mentioned my boyfriend’s identify and no response. I instructed him to cease 3x which he didn’t. I kicked him off of me and he stored again attempting once more. I rolled my physique over and cried. I had an entire panic assault in that room. He instructed me I needed it, I’m simply crying as a result of I remorse it. Manipulated me whereas drunk and I believed it. He lastly drove me again to my home as a result of I used to be hysterically crying.

That is the half the place it will get bizarre. I keep in mind going numb and saying an entire bunch of bizarre issues. He nonetheless stored saying it’s okay making me assume it’s okay. I requested him if he needed to complete (I don’t know if it was in regards to the speaking or the opposite half) he mentioned sure and pulled over actually quick in entrance of somebody’s driveway. I instructed him why in somebody’s driveway so he moved. He then instructed me to get within the backseat. I mentioned no ( I felt caught) and I instructed him I’m staying right here.

I don’t keep in mind him getting on high of me however he was at this level. Apparently I took my shorts off and laid there, I remembering feeling numb however feeling so far-off from residence although I used to be there. I snapped out of as soon as he penetrated me and began hurting me. I instructed him to cease once more and he didn’t till I pushed him with my fingers. He took me residence and I acted like I used to be okay. I awoke within the morning wishing it was a dream till I awoke and noticed a Snapchat from him saying he had enjoyable. I didn’t cry, I texted again telling him please don’t inform anybody. I then went within the bathe and began crying my eyes out once I was myself bare. It was so gross the concept I let him.

I then messaged him later that night time and instructed him he took benefit of me, and requested why he didn’t hearken to my no’s. In any case I confessed to my boyfriend every part and he instructed me it was consensual and instructed me I used to be a disgusting human being. He instructed me it’s all my fault. I cried much more after that.

Is that this my fault? I don’t know easy methods to really feel.


Earlier than we get to anything, let me lower straight to the center of the matter: sure, this was unquestionably sexual assault. No, you’re not a cheater. Your boyfriend is being extremely shitty. Your “buddy” raped you. You didn’t consent to something that occurred, and, actually, you couldn’t consent to it. You had been legally and successfully incapable of giving consent at this level and had been, in actual fact, telling him to cease, repeatedly.   

You had been raped. Your solely “fault” right here (for suitably low definitions of “fault”) is that you just trusted somebody who in the end proved untrustworthy. That’s on him, not on you. He’s the one who took benefit of your friendship, inspired you to get even drunker and, importantly, made the choice to assault you.  That’s not your fault.  You didn’t do that, you didn’t “deserve” this and also you didn’t “permit” this to occur. 

Now, there’s lots that occurred over the course of your expertise that has left you very understandably confused and reeling. I need to clarify a bit of of what occurred and why you responded the best way that you just did. The experiences you had are regular and quite common reactions to discovering your self in a state of affairs like this. I would like you to grasp your responses and what they meant, as a result of proper now you’re feeling a number of guilt and confusion and you’ve got nothing to really feel responsible about. 

At the beginning: you had been ingesting on an empty abdomen, which implies the booze goes to hit sooner than it could in the event you had meals with it (to sluggish the absorption) or drank water (which might dilute the alcohol earlier than you processed it by way of your system). One factor about ingesting, particularly on an empty abdomen, is that it takes time to course of the alcohol. The bodily sensations of intoxication will be delicate, particularly in the event you had a pair drinks in speedy succession, and can stack over time. This implies that you could be not really feel noticeably intoxicated at first, however you’re doubtless a lot drunker than you understand. The truth that you had been feeling buzzed after a number of drinks wasn’t an indicator of how drunk you really had been in that second; it was simply the primary of the sensations that you just acknowledged as intoxication.

Second, getting within the sizzling tub whereas drunk had a multiplying impact on the alcohol. The warmth of the water within the sizzling tub dilates your blood vessels, which signifies that any alcohol that you might have been ingesting will attain your bloodstream at a a lot sooner fee. Equally, the temperature of the water and the intoxicating results of booze means you’re extra more likely to be drowsy, dehydrated and in any other case leaving you extra impaired than you realized. All of this was going to have an intensifying impact on the alcohol in your system and make you are feeling much more disoriented than you’d have in the event you hadn’t gotten in.

Below the finest of circumstances, you weren’t going to have full be working in high type. You had been already intoxicated and had extra to drink below circumstances that may improve the speed that additional alcohol would have an effect on you. However this was hardly the most effective of circumstances; you had somebody who was decided to make the most of your impaired state and he did.

Which leads us to the best way you behaved as soon as it turned clear that your “buddy” was attempting to make the most of you. Once more, I need to emphasize: these are regular and well-documented reactions to harmful conditions, together with sexual assault and rape, not proof that you just weren’t bothered by what occurred or that it was okay. These are psychological behaviors that occur to everybody in harmful conditions and ceaselessly require coaching to keep away from.

I’m positive you’ve heard of the “battle or flight” response. Effectively, that’s really one thing of a misnomer; it’s extra precisely referred to as “Struggle, Flight, Freeze or Fawn”. You had been having what’s referred to as the “fawn” response – that’s, you discovered your self going alongside, attempting to de-escalate the state of affairs and usually doing the most effective you would to get out of the state of affairs with as little hurt as potential. This was your mind attempting to maintain you protected by not angering or upsetting the one that had you at his mercy. By smiling, not making extra of a fuss or in any other case simply not combating, you had been attempting to keep away from frightening him and turning this into one thing way more violent or probably even deadly for you.

Once more, I can’t emphasize this sufficient: this was you attempting to shield your self. Your unconscious was attempting to maintain you alive and doing what was mandatory to take action. The purpose was to ensure you survived and stayed intact; the best way it made you are feeling was one thing to cope with after you survived. Our brains are designed to prioritize survival, not happiness.

Equally, the best way you describe performing through the act at his home and in spite of everything are quite common responses and behaviors that different rape victims have described. The smiling, the asking for reassurance, the not shifting or combating, making seeming token protests… these are all a part of self-preservation within the face of an extremely risky and harmful state of affairs. The out-of-body sensation and foggy reminiscence aren’t simply due to the booze; they’re a part of what’s referred to as “disassociation”.  Once more, that is an try by your mind to guard you from what’s occurring and maintain you calm and avoiding panic. Panic kills in a disaster; staying calm makes survival potential.

Discover very rigorously the way you had been performing modified as quickly as you had been away from him. That wasn’t since you immediately modified your thoughts about what occurred, that was as a result of you had been lastly protected. You had been now in a spot the place you weren’t in quick hazard and will react way more appropriately to the circumstances. Sure, you had been nonetheless disoriented – that’s solely comprehensible contemplating each the intoxication and the assault – however your change in habits was as a result of having gotten away.  You succeeded in your major purpose: you survived and also you had been protected once more. It was solely then that you would begin to course of every part that occurred. You fairly actually didn’t have the accessible bandwidth to take action within the second; every part that wasn’t essential to survival and getting by way of that had been going to be turned down in order that you would make it out. 

What’s pernicious about all of that is that individuals who don’t perceive how sexual assault survivors behave within the second and afterwards will take these behaviors as “proof” that it “wasn’t so dangerous” or “you had been in the end OK with it”, fairly than a pure survival intuition that’s a part of the “Struggle, Flight, Freeze or Fawn” response. . Like your boyfriend is doing. He’s being unquestionably shitty to you about what’s in the end a horrific expertise that you just survived and pinning the blame on you as a result of hey, there was booze and intercourse and now you’re saying it’s not your fault however that may’t be true as a result of causes. So, frankly, fuck him.

If he comes round, accepts what occurred and realizes how abominable he’s performing to you, then he’s going to want to do some very fucking critical apologizing simply to begin.

However truthfully, he’s not necessary in all of this, and that’s not what that you must concentrate on proper now. This is: this was not your fault. You had been raped by somebody you trusted. This was NOT your fault. I would like you to repeat that each time you concentrate on this: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. This was one thing that was finished TO you. You didn’t consent, you couldn’t consent, and what was finished was a crime.

This was NOT. Your. Fault.

If you happen to haven’t talked to a rape counselor already, I might strongly suggest that you just name the Nationwide Sexual Assault Hotline – 1-800-656-4673 –  or you may go to them at RAINN.org and use their on-line chat if that may be simpler for you. Whichever means you select, there are educated advocates accessible 24/7 who will speak you thru what occurred, help you in getting native sources to your personal well being and security, speak you thru your choices and in any other case show you how to cope with all of this.

Once more, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I actually can’t repeat this sufficient. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.  This was one thing that was finished *to* you. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

Name the hotline and speak to a counselor. They’ll assist you determine your subsequent steps, assist join you with sources for restoration and provide the data that you must resolve what you’ll do subsequent and how one can work on shifting in the direction of restoration. This was a horrific expertise and I’m so, so sorry you went by way of it. However you survived. You could have metaphorical scars after this,  however scars are the signal of a survivor. They’re a mark of energy, and also you are sturdy.

You’re going to be OK. I promise.

All shall be properly.

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