4th March 2024

I (21M) am a senior at a Christian school within the American south. I’m additionally a closeted homosexual, as my faculty, household, and hometown (and my state for that matter) have been all fairly hostile towards homosexual folks, and the one one who is aware of is my greatest good friend Andy. My mother and father are alumni of “Southern Christian School,” and I ended up getting actually good monetary help to go there, making it cheaper than a state faculty. Andy, who’s a 12 months older than me, additionally goes there, and he had a constructive expertise his freshman 12 months, so for all these causes it made sense to go there.

Southern Christian School additionally has an honor code that all of us needed to signal, and breaking it may well result in disciplinary motion together with expulsion. It contains issues like not consuming alcohol, not having intercourse outdoors of marriage (which ends up in a number of folks getting married earlier than commencement) and never partaking in gay actions or selling a gay life-style. So saying “I’m homosexual” may very well be seen as selling a gay life-style, however saying “I’m fighting same-sex attraction” is a legitimate prayer request. Many individuals don’t take the consideration code significantly, however I’ve heard tales about individuals who got here out and have been handled very badly by the school. I doubt I might be expelled, however I would face disciplinary motion if I got here out. That being stated, I’ve had a largely constructive school expertise, and it has been significantly better than highschool.

I wound up with a random roommate named Leo, as Andy had already made residing plans with different pals. Leo is a perfect roommate, and we’ve got continued to reside collectively for all 4 years, however he has a really conventional view of sexual morality, that means he believes that intercourse ought to solely be between a person and lady married to one another. He has a critical girlfriend named Carmen, and I noticed him taking a look at rings the opposite night time. Carmen and Leo are each good pals with a woman named Luna. I lastly met Luna junior 12 months, after listening to from Leo how a lot I would love her, and he was proper. Once I lastly met her, I felt like I had met my new greatest good friend, and she or he apparently felt the identical means. We began hanging out on a regular basis. Then she informed Andy that she preferred me, and I made a decision to ask her on a date. Andy thought this was a foul concept, however I assumed possibly I may very well be drawn to her. I positively like her loads.

After just a few dates, we grew to become “official” in Might, after which went our separate methods for the summer season. Luna is a very great individual, however I’ve realized over the previous few months that I’m not drawn to her any greater than another lady. We kissed just a few occasions and it was not thrilling. Like most college students right here, Luna has a standard view of sexual morality, so we’re positively not having intercourse earlier than marriage as a result of we’re good Christian individuals who don’t try this.

I’ve a job lined up with a giant tech firm after commencement. Luna is taking a look at grad faculties, and I do know she is contemplating a faculty that’s close to the large tech firm. I do know this isn’t going anyplace, and we should always most likely break up, however I don’t know easy methods to do it, as a result of I actually don’t have any good motive for breaking apart. When different guys hear I’m relationship Luna, they’re at all times impressed as a result of she could be very engaging. She can be a genuinely sort and good individual. I’m apprehensive that if I come out to her, phrase will get again to Leo, and he shall be creeped out by the information and our residing state of affairs will change into very uncomfortable. Nonetheless, if I break up together with her for no motive, she would possibly speculate and determine it out on her personal and in addition hate me. Plus, there may be the potential for getting in bother with the school. At this level I simply need to graduate and get out of right here, as I’ve just one semester left. I want to stay pals with Luna although, or at the least be on good phrases. How ought to I deal with this? — Nonetheless within the closet in 2024

It definitely does really feel ridiculous that in 2024 persons are nonetheless ostracized in sure communities for being homosexual and that you simply’ve felt the necessity to maintain your sexual orientation a secret from everybody in your life besides one individual. I commend you for locating the intense spots in your school expertise and for conserving your eyes on the prize: Commencement is so shut, it sounds such as you’ll have minimal to no pupil mortgage debt, and you have already got a job lined up with a giant tech firm. All it’s important to do is get by way of just a few extra months and the world will open to you, and I believe and hope you will see that that the world outdoors your conservative Christian neighborhood will show extra welcoming of your entire self.

However for now, you might be nonetheless very entrenched in a neighborhood that’s hostile to your sexual id, and I believe you’re proper to fret about how your roommate, Leo, and possibly how Luna and others would react to studying you might be homosexual. You’re so near the end line now that I wouldn’t say or do something that may disrupt your peace in these ultimate months of faculty. Does that imply you must proceed relationship Luna to maintain the peace? No. You already know you aren’t drawn to her and this relationship isn’t going anyplace. It is best to break up together with her.

It is best to break up together with her, however you don’t owe her the complete fact about why you’re breaking apart together with her. In spite of everything, even in case you have been straight, it’s unlikely that you simply’d find yourself marrying the primary individual you dated – though, sure, I understand this is able to be extra frequent in an ultra-conservative neighborhood the place intercourse earlier than marriage is forbidden. My level is that your breaking apart with Luna isn’t so completely different from a straight man breaking apart with a woman he simply doesn’t have chemistry with even when he actually likes her as a good friend. For many first rate guys, breaking apart with somebody is an disagreeable expertise that may convey emotions of guilt, remorse, and even disgrace. These emotions are all regular, and similar to all the blokes earlier than you – straight or homosexual – who’ve damaged up with somebody, you’ll survive and so will Luna.

A part of rising up is exploring and determining what appeals to us and what doesn’t. That is true, no matter sexual orientation, though exploring one’s sexual orientation can definitely be a part of this course of, and school is a time when many individuals work out what sort of individual excites them. That you’re in a university atmosphere that doesn’t assist this kind of exploration doesn’t make it – otherwise you – flawed. And, frankly, you’ve carried out nothing that’s going to trigger a lot or lasting hurt right here. It has all been fairly harmless. And a break-up could be harmless and comparatively innocent too.

So easy methods to do it? Right here’s a common script to make use of with Luna which you can tweak as wanted:

“Now that we’re heading into our ultimate semester of faculty, I’ve obtained my eyes on the speedy future, and I do know you do too. I don’t suppose it could be truthful to you to steer you to suppose we’ve got a future collectively as a pair. I such as you a lot as a good friend – you might be one in every of my favourite folks I’ve met right here – and also you’re so lovely and I had hoped my emotions would switch to extra romantic ones, however they haven’t, and it could be egocentric of me to proceed making an attempt to foster these emotions that I do know simply aren’t going to develop. As a lot as I get pleasure from your organization and hope we are able to stay pals, I do know that persevering with up to now you’d imply conserving you from discovering somebody who can be a greater match for you as a boyfriend.”

And that’s it. She would possibly cry or demand to know why, and you’ll maintain saying you simply aren’t feeling it. This may very well be the case in case you have been straight, too. Typically, the chemistry simply isn’t there, and it’s not there for you and Luna and that’s all she – or your roommate or anybody else who could be confused or suspicious – actually must know.

May this make issues bizarre or awkward or uncomfortable for the remaining months of your tenure in school? Possibly. However you don’t owe anybody an extended or deeper or extra thorough rationalization in your emotions, and also you positively don’t owe anybody your peace, which is what I believe you’d sacrifice in case you got here out in an atmosphere that’s so hostile towards homosexuality. You might even threat getting kicked out of faculty, shedding out in your diploma you’re so near incomes, after which shedding that job you’ve already been supplied. The reality about your sexual id isn’t going to spare Luna’s emotions anyway, and even when it could, it’s not definitely worth the threat it poses to your livelihood and well-being.

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When you have a relationship/relationship query I may help reply, you’ll be able to ship me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

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