17th April 2024

I’ve been studying your posts on Fb for some time now, and I’ve been questioning if I ought to submit my “scenario” which actually isn’t very sophisticated. It’s extra like a query that belongs in a “Relationships 101” class, however I would really like some recommendation.

I’m a 50-something male who has lived a single life and have been principally content material to take action, however a romance in my life could be good. I’ve been interested in the identical good friend for 11 of the 13 years I’ve identified her. I did counsel as soon as years in the past going out in a good friend approach, however she politely deflected the query. However we’ve socialized fortunately inside a bunch all this time and do sometimes spend time collectively, simply she snd I. I’ve by no means advised her immediately how I really feel about her. Has she guessed? I’ve no thought.

Ten years on, we’re nonetheless in the identical social group, and that’s not prone to change; neither of us appears prone to transfer away. Everybody else I do know in addition to I do her title drops their particular person companions every now and then, if there are companions. She by no means has executed this. Does that imply she is only a personal individual, or a long-term single like I’m? If I knew she had a associate, I may transfer on, as I’ve earlier than with different ladies. However as issues stand, I’ve some doubts about my selection to remain silent. I just lately had a quick hospital keep and although mine was a non life-threatening concern, it gave me some “life is brief” ideas.

So right here is my query, which I’d like to show round so you may think about being within the scenario. For those who had a good friend—-good however not a greatest good friend—-who was secretly and strongly interested in you, would you wish to know? Say you’ve by no means thought in regards to the individual in a romantic approach, however you do just like the individual. Would you thoughts figuring out, or would you favor they saved it to themselves, so the friendship isn’t “sophisticated”? — Longtime Buddy

Placing apart for a minute the oddity that you simply don’t know whether or not a superb good friend of yours for over a decade has a associate or not, I need you to know that your secret attraction to her most likely isn’t as secret as you assume. From the second you urged “going out in a good friend approach” all these years in the past, if not earlier than, your pal has a minimum of suspected you may be interested in her. That she politely deflected on the time and has by no means, within the years since, proven any indicators of curiosity in you – a minimum of not that you simply point out – and has by no means flirted, or seemingly inspired you in any technique to romantically pursue her means that her emotions for you aren’t the identical.

Assuming your good friend has by no means given any signal that she’s serious about you, I believe it’s protected to imagine that she’s not. After which the query shouldn’t a lot be whether or not she would wish to know your true emotions for her, however whether or not you stand to achieve greater than you may lose by expressing your emotions for her. And you already know who may be capable to shed some perception? A mutual good friend. Is there anybody in your social group you may attain out to and ask for steering? This may very well be as simple as saying, “Hey, Carol by no means mentions a associate. Am I proper to imagine that she’s a longtime single like I’m?” The tone and content material of their reply may reply plenty of questions with out your even having to immediately ask them.

Lastly, I can respect a hesitancy in probably scaring away or offending or embarrassing a longtime good friend by expressing curiosity which may not be wished. That is positively a threat it’s important to weigh. However so long as you’re respectful and never a creep about it and settle for no matter response you get and by no means push for greater than a platonic friendship along with her once more if she doesn’t point out she needs that, I don’t assume this may be one thing that must finish the friendship. Regardless, I might urge you to begin trying outdoors your good friend circle for potential dates although. For those who genuinely need romance in your life, and also you’ve just lately had an expertise that reminded you that we’re right here for only a transient time, perhaps the reply isn’t to pursue somebody who, in 13 years, hasn’t proven curiosity in you. Possibly the reply is to look in new locations.

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In case you have a relationship/relationship query I can assist reply, you may ship me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

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